In Love Again

The story of our family life

Dearest Divine Father,

I have day off today and i am alone -
so I had enough time to write my life story and to cry out all my suppressed feelings. I do not wish to anybody this suffering and will be happy to help preventing it.
I love YOU
November 2001

Love forever from all of my heart

I am 42 years old married woman and

I have never been so happy as now
with my loving husband, who is willing to give me all his love and
with our Beloved Guru - Hans, who gave us the key to the true love and the happiness.

At age of 25 I met my husband. Soon I realized that he was very selfish and ego-centred but I fell in love with him very easily. It was the first time in my life to be really in love - I felt ready to do every thing for him even to die.He was very intelligent, well educated and had a good social position and all this matched exactly what I was looking for. I was pleased to have him, to show him to my friends to my relatives but I was not sure if he loved me.

We had never made any commitment, I even can not remember if he ever told me he loved me, he just said "I want you"- the first time when he made love with me and it was the only loving word that I heard from him. But I somehow did not mind, I was content with what i have - I loved him and this made me feel happy but I never told him, i kept silent, thinking he realized every thing - he was smart. I thought my eyes radiated my love for him.

I still keep in my memory very delightful and romantic moments from that time - we were sitting close to each other, I caressed his hand and looked at his eyes and I felt so much love and happiness, I felt like in heavens. From that moment on I was sure he was the right one for me.

I wanted badly to have a baby from him but I just told him that I was not sure I was able to get pregnant. "We will try it out!" - was the only thing he replied.
I wanted him so much that I even had pain to wait for the right moment. It was the first time in my sexual life to really enjoy sex - all I wanted to do was - making love and I got my wish to have a baby pretty soon.

When I understood I was pregnant I felt in heavens again but when I told him he got shocked and not ready to enjoy it. He was not able to share my happiness.
I fell from heavens on earth and it hurt me very deeply. I still wanted my baby but I did not feel the same love toward him - he was still a boy - may be I would be his second mother.
I accepted this position and I never even try to change it.
We got married but I had never allowed him to be a real husband for me, a strong man and the head of our family. I started to reject his love and to avoid making sex. More and more often I was tiered and sleepy -

The magic of the love was gone.

We had our first daughter - the fruit of our love. She was so beautiful and I fell immediately in love with her. I was happy again and I focused all my attention on her but I forgot my "older baby boy". He got jealous and used to drink several beers every night before to go to bed and find me asleep. I did not need sex anymore, if I accepted some it was just to please him for a short while.
Our daughter was every thing worth to me on this world.
She was 5 months old when I got pregnant again. It was a "mistake" - I didn't want this pregnancy and started thinking of abortion but this time my husband decided - "It might be a boy" - he said and i agreed to keep it for him - a hope to restore our love.

The next baby was due at Christmas. A couple of weeks before we took our 1 year-old girl to my parents in other city and left them to take care of her for a while. The first days without my baby - my sun - my love, was a real nightmare for me. I had no love at all, I was so upset and frustrated that I could not enjoy the new-born baby - I was crying under the pillow for my sunny girl. She also was crying, missing me - I had abandoned my baby...
- Oh my dear, please, forgive me!
I thought it would be better for her but I also thought it would be easier for my. I was weak and not capable to take care of my own children.
Now I can clearly look at that moment and see that there were many ways to take care for the two babies at the same time and to avoid any distress for my daughter, for me and for the new baby, who had the same right to be loved and protected from stress.
There was also the best solution- love and happiness but we had lost them and we were not able to find the loving solution.

I started giving all my love and attention to the small baby - a girl again. She had very sad face and she could not cry the first few days. Fortunately I had enough breast milk and she became pretty very soon.
I had a new love, a new sunny girl but this one was strong, energetic and even warrior - the opposite of the older one, which was tender, loving, soft and peaceful.

My husband lived in his world - his job, that he hated, his beers in front of the TV every evening.
We kept on making sex often but there was not real satisfaction, no love flowing. I feared of getting pregnant and did not expect any pleasure from that. I did not know what an orgasm is, i just wasn't interested in the sex anymore.

Step by step we drifted away from each other.

I started my medical practice and I devoted all my energy and life-force in this direction. I wanted to improve, to study more and to become more capable to heal and to help. I often ignored my children and husband for the benefits of my career. I was tired and occupied with my studying many times when they needed me.
I failed to be a loving wife but I also failed to be a loving mother and was not able to create a loving environment in our home - there was no love, no warmth, no coziness - mother and father in the same home but completely separated - emotionally, mentally and physically as well, sometime together in the bed but just to proof again the emptiness of the sex without love.

I had never thought about this - I accepted the situation as my Karma and did not try to change anything. I sow some people - really happy, some women - sexy and enjoying being females.
I didn't care about - I considered the male part of the humans as inferior, incapable. I thought - "no man is good enough to be loved."

Few years later my husband left his career in the military and started small tourist business. His life changed a little bit. He stareted traveling a lot and met new people, other women and girls. I supposed he had sex with some but I did not mind.
Once it was very evident and i suffered a lot and asked myself - "Do I still care? Do I still love him?"
I had a pain deep inside my heart that lasted for months.
Then we made some efforts to restore again our love, I wanted him, we had good sex. I cried a lot and my pain was a bit relieved.
It was very easy to start again but I did not allow myself to forget and to forgive. I slept alone, starving for tender and sweet love, for closeness but i was too proud to ask him and to offer my love.

Suddenly my husband was beaten half-dead and he needed more then a month to get well. With God grace he recovered completely. This accident was the turning point of our life. I was scared of losing him. He was scared of death and started to ask -

"What is the purpose of the life?

A friend of his came and brought some books about the path of the souls and others, later we read "Autobiography of a yogi" by Paramhansa Yogananda and this book showed us the way to escape this world of imperfection and suffering.

My husband looked for a Guru to teach him Kriya yoga and the first one that God helped him to meet was Hans.
The comunication with Hans was very easy - through the internet and free access for every God-seeker.

My husband read a lot of spiritual books and tried differant technics- 6 months playing and singing Indian songs, more than 6 months complete celibacy.
Finally he found out that Hans is the only one Guru that he needed and started following his teaching.

I was interested in the spirituality but i had not found my path yet. I couldn't understand what my husband was doing but i accepted everything as the right one for the benefits of our family.

Later we left Bulgaria and came in USA. At the beginning we had hard time to find a job. At that time we lived pretty close to the Sri Chinmoy center in San Diego. I had some friends in Bulgaria - disciples of him. I had read some of his books and i respected him a lot. So I decided to visit this place and apply for being accepted as a disciple of his. I was accepted and I started to meditate with the other disciples in the Meditation center.
In a month I applied for work in the restaurant of this center and started my new career. I found my spiritual path and my job at the same place. It was safe and easy.
My husband found a job as a caregiver but he did not like to work, he preferred to stay home and meditate. So I needed to work for him and to survive. We lived separated - each of us wanted to be alone and follow his path.
Sometimes we had small talks about spirituality, sometimes discussion that leaded us to the dead-end road.
I was happy to be in the center with the disciples and I also enjoyed working in the restaurant. The other workers, mostly young boys, were very friendly and peaceful. It was a nice place for spiritual retreat.
Sri Chinmoy suggests celibacy on his teaching and most of the disciples of the center are single. Boys and girls are separated as much as possible in order to avoid sexual attraction. This atmosphere of suppressed sexuality had a noxious influence for my well-being - I lost my menstruation for months and a had pain and tension of the lower part of my abdomen, like my internal genitals wanted to drop down. So my femininity was finally completely lost-
I had worked hard for that through my whole life.

My husband was very unhappy, I had my center but he has nobody. He wanted to visit Hans in Philippines. We were very short of money but God help him to work more and to make some more money to pay for this trip. I gave him all my savings, I excepted some changes to occur in our life after his visit.

He spent 3 weeks with Hans, I enjoyed to be alone. When he got back he told me:

-We should change our life - love each other or divorce!

I was surprised but agreed with him that we have the right to find the happiness.

The very first day after his arrival back I was attracted by him - he had changed. He radiated love, energy and some kind of male force. That night I spent in the same room with him. Next day I was very excited he wanted to divorce but I had just one thing in my mind- I wanted him, I had my sexual desire again.

So I wanted him but I was not able to tell him. I tried once but I started crying and then again many hours inner fight. Finally he helped me to "spit it up" and he started making love to me. It felt so good, i cried all the time but these were tears of happiness and relief.
Our sex was a bit painful for me the first three times i was even bleeding a little bit but at the same time i got some kind of orgasm - first time in my life.

We had a long way to find each other after 16 years of marriage.


We made our wish to do every thing to reach the true love and happiness.

So I decided to quit the Sri Chinmoy center and to go with my husband to meet Hans. I was very curious to meet this person that did miracle to revive our buried love.

We both worked hard to save money to make our trip to Philippines. The will to improve our love, sex and spiritual path inspired us.

I read every thing from the web site of Hans and I loved every single word of it but I missed something to believe that it is really possible.

After 5 weeks in Philippines with Hans I know what I had missed - His LOVE, His LIGHT, His POWER - coming directly from God!

Hans taught us how the sexuality does work, how to improve our love and happiness, how to open our heart and let the love flow freely, how to dissolve the ego and the pride - the two big enemies of the love.

Now I know what is the purpose of my love - to make my husband happy every second , to give him all my love and receive all his love. We make love any time we want to and our sex is getting more and more uplifting and satisfying.

I am happy and try to make others happy. I practice Kriya yoga every day.

I found the purpose of my life with the Divine help of Hans- our Beloved Guru!

love hearts

I bow to the Divine feet of my Guru to offer him my heart for ever.
God blessed us to have Him!

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